Ordeal Ritual For My Knighthood
By Sir Caz, October 2006
Knightly Order of Blutwasser
I made it. I passed through a trial of my own design, as one of the most difficult tasks to
achieve the responsibilities of a Knight's rank. My King has asked me to describe the experience
in this paper, and I am honored to do so. King Raven was also gracious enough to offer me an
extension on the time limit, having not fulfilled my obligation by the deadline.
My original idea for the ordeal consisted of being buried up to my neck in the earth
overnight and taking a vow of silence while Asphodelians taunted me. I was denied this course
due to the potential physical danger and emotional torment. The test which did come to pass was
more difficult in some respects; my self control, will, fear of the unknown and mental endurance
were tested in a safe manner.
During my squire-ship under Asphodel's First Knight, whom I greatly respect, I spent a
year examining my emotional and spiritual state in regards to personal warrior energy and what it
would mean to be in the service of someone and a community. Through this years-long journey I
discovered a basic truth about myself: I was addicted to beating myself up and constantly being
hard on myself. At that time I seemed to have three main aspects about which I beat myself
down; Stupidity, Ugliness and Insanity. A kingdom of freaks and monsters seemed to be the right
place for me.
What I ended up doing for my ordeal is as follows: I constructed a large club which was
to represent my self-prescribed mental/emotional beatings; a physical manifestation of my dark,
self-destructive pattern. I think it stemmed from always having been very sensitive (and being
picked on) as a kid, and beating myself down mentally and emotionally developed into an
overexaggerated defense mechanism. The logic was that no one could hurt me if I'd already done
the job more completely than any attacker. The aggressors would have no reason to bother with
me if I were already defeated. I think it is important to say that at that time in my life it was not
conscious logic; I just did it.
I found the club in the woods where I go hiking. It was a cut-off young dead tree trunk
with the rootball still attached, which had three fingerlike roots. The whole thing was about three
and a half feet long. A toad led me to it and I was able to pull it out of the earth. I felt it was
necessary to carry this now-sacred object on the rest of my hike instead of taking it home right
away, and this allowed me to meditate on its purpose in the place where I do some of my best
contemplation. I placed the club on my altar at home, and it was either laying on it or leaning
against it until the ordeal. I spray-painted it black and put thirty-three drywall screws in it, ten in
each finger and one more for each of the aspects of the ordeal. The last three were painted red to
symbolize, blood, wounds and my self-hatred. It was important to me to concentrate on each of
my issues of self-loathing as I drove in each screw into the fingers of the club. I did happen to get
cut while making this instrument, so my blood was in it, which made me feel that it was truly
part of me and not altogether inanimate. I also attached multiple pieces of green and clear broken
glass with epoxy-resin. I wanted it to look as menacing as my unyielding feelings.
Next, I bought reptile sand which I colored from orange to red by kneading it with my
hands. For this ordeal, the red sand represented Aries, my blood, fire and protection. I also
consecrated in salt water three strips of red fabric from an old T-shirt of mine.
The participants in this ritual were King Raven and the Head of the Knights of Blutwasser
as witnesses, three people of the Kings' choosing ( his choice unknown to me ), a fire tender and
myself. The three participants chosen by the King were each given a written account of the three
types of emotional abuse with which I tormented myself: Stupidity, Ugliness and Insanity. The
three individuals were the Princess Jess of Asphodel, The Kingdom's First Knight, and a Noble
Lady of the Kingdom, all of whom had my respect.
The night of my ordeal I prepared myself down at the ritual field. Next to the fire circle, I
made a protective circle around myself with the red sand. (I actually got this idea from the film
"The Last Temptation Of Christ", which bothered me at first, but Raven had assured me that a
protective circle was a protective circle and I shouldn't worry about it.) A Greek Orthodox friend
of mine assured me that Scorsese's depiction of Jesus doing that in the desert was never actually
in the Bible anyway. Within the circle was my club, the three strips of red fabric and me. I was
kneeling, turned away from the entrance to the field so I could not see who was approaching.
Then came the voice...a whisper, taunting me, a reminder of how stupid I was and how
my life would be so much easier if I was only smart enough to be able to spell. Why, it's a
wonder I ever made it though college without basic math skills, which everyone had but me. It
was the Princess in my ear. Only a voice, staying behind me where I couldn't see its source. I
responded by holding my ground, and stating that I was not stupid and that my ability to make it
through school was a sign that I had compensated in other ways for my deficiencies, that I am
learning what I need to know at my own pace and I can still improve on the skills where I lack.
The test of the ordeal was that I could not flip out. I had to control myself in the face of
my three biggest demons. If I lost control and let go to rage, I failed. Before the ritual I was
terrified that I might end up in such a state - confronted by a physical manifestation of my inner
demons - that I might attack the speaker... and fail. Moreover, I did not know when the person
representing my demon would stop. They individually got to decide when I had had enough, and
if I left the circle before my demon had finished, I would fail.
It ended up that each person playing a demon/voice asked me to prove that I was not
stupid, ugly or insane, and that became the invitation to step outside of my protective circle.
When I did, I would give that demon/voice a hug, which would signify a desire to heal myself
and stop beating myself down.
After each demon/voice challenged me and I stepped outside of my circle and hugged
them, I would then tie a strip of red fabric around my club to symbolize that I had faced that
challenge and passed each test. After I stepped out of my circle and hugged my demon of
Stupidity, she told me I did a good job and it was as if a weight lifted.
My second demon was personified by Asphodel's First Knight, the woman whom I had
squired under for a year. She was the one person in the Kingdom who knew me best, and the
most intimidating for me in respect to this demon which called me Ugly, because she is not. She
took out a chair, sat directly in front of me where I knelt, and spat out stinging venom. I actually
stood up and she followed suit, casting her chair aside. But I did not lose my composure as we
stood nose to nose. In the end, she asked me to prove that I was not the most hideous creature on
the face of the earth, and I did. As we hugged she told me that she loved me and I almost cried.
The last was my demon/voice of Insanity, embodied by a Most Noble Lady of Asphodel.
She circled, she taunted, she was relentless, she was Ruth-less, she tested my endurance and
patience. I did get loud with her and argued, but maintained control, and when she decided that I
had lasted long enough, she asked me to prove that I wasn't crazy...and I did. She said she
respected me.
The strange thing was that before this ordeal I though the most difficult thing about it was
going to be outlasting my demonic voices. It wasn't; one of the hardest parts of this whole
experience was stepping out of the circle each time. I think it was so because the act was a
physical manifestation of my desire to heal myself. The act happened, it was real in the world.
The ordeal allowed me to make it so.
But without a doubt, hands down, the act of throwing my club of self-hate with three red ties
around it into the fire, was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I literally almost
could not let it go, but I did. It was fucking amazing. After that final act, I cried and sobbed and
held my head in my hands. Then King Raven came to me and said that he would be honored to
have me serve him as a Knight of Asphodel, and I embraced him.
